Today is my first day back at my job since surgery. I am obviously working very hard. I did not want to come in this morning and had to hold my tears back and put on my fake smile as my roommate and her boyfriend left to go skiing for the day. As usual it has not been as bad as I thought but all of this has got me thinking. Is the reality of life that work sucks and we have to deal with it and just make the rest of our life great? Or is reality that most people give up their dreams and just have sucky jobs when they could be doing something better. Is it stupid for me to constantly be looking for something better and hope that I can find the "perfect job" or do I need to just be happy where I am and thank God that I even have a job?

I know that God can use me anywhere and that is what is most important, but when do I need to realize that dreams are dreams and I need to face reality? Is it part of my personality that I will never be happy in any job that I get or have I just not found that job for me yet? I know for a fact that I am smarter and more talented than an office job, but what those smarts or talents are I have no idea. I do know that I have a few friends who love their jobs and that is what I want. I know work is work and it is not always going to be fun, but there has got to be something out there for me that I am good at, challenges me, helps others, pleases God, is not routine, and I find fulfillment in. Is it naive of me to believe that exists? Do I need to just suck it up and keep working a job that does not feel right? Or do I keep dreaming?

Maybe this brings me back to the conclusion that God has prepared me to be a missionary because from what I can tell, that will fit all of my criteria. I have wanted to plant churches in South America for a long time and just recently I have gotten distracted from that idea by the beauty, awesomeness and amazing people of Colorado. Maybe God is just using my time here to show me that I can do ministry in the US and that there are good churches in the US (didn't use to believe this), but maybe he is wanting me to stay here because I can do ministry in the US. I DON'T KNOW! God is drivin' me nuts and I can't help but to yell at him!

If anyone (all 3 people that read my blog) has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, but otherwise I will just keep on plugging along, wait for the missing puzzle piece, and pray for direction and peace from God that he is not ignoring me, but teaching me. I hate that!

PS-After I wrote this blog I went to lunch with some of the students I work with and I was glad to see them and they were glad to see me. Lunch did not answer my questions, but it did say to me that God knows how to cheer me up and let me know I am good for now. As Lauren commented, I need to "just keep swimming." : ) So my goal now is to be thankful for each day and find beauty in it (so hard in CO I know) and this should keep my usual positive attitude up! I don't like to be down. I think I need to go play outside today.